Finding the ‘Me’ in Mommy

This has possibly been the longest that I have let my blog entries slide. For the past six months or so, however, I have felt a serious lack of creativity in my veins. I have blamed it on my lack of access to a computer, the weather (winter,summer and now the pre-monsoons), sleeping less, looking after another human being 24X7 and so on and so forth. These past few months I have been feeling incredibly guilty for being so remiss about my writing and yet have done nothing about it. I haven’t written, drawn or even cooked anything new in all this time. I would have been seriously alarmed about myself had I not stuck to one thing that has been a constant  my whole life – Reading books, of course!

Now, I must make clear at this juncture that my little bundle of joy has in no way hampered me in pursuing any activity that I really wanted to do. She is extremely sweet, extremely naughty and the apple of everyone’s eye. There are times though, when I suddenly stop and ask myself the question, ‘Did I even brush my teeth this morning?’ She does tend to consume all my attention most of the time.

The lethargy that has enveloped me regarding my writing comes from the simple fact of me being a worrier, I think. I haven’t pushed myself to do more or rather anything except look after her this past year (and I worry how well I have done that). Although, why must I be unable to find a few hours to do something productive for myself, I wonder? People take up jobs faster than this after having babies after all. Just sheer laziness? Creative block brought on by mummy worries? Extremely bad time management?

At times I have resented the fact that nobody has asked me why I am not writing anymore. Extremely churlish though it seems, I have wanted to find someone else to blame for my tardiness in keeping up this online journal/testimonial to my life/blog. Over the years, I see this tendency to be lax about things and then fall back into them with a vengeance – making me not the most disciplined person you would say.

Nobody asked me to start the blog, or to express my opinions on any subject, or to even do anything remotely different from what everyone else is up to. It was all my initiative and so why must I expect that anyone else will lift a finger to pull me out of this slump that I face in my writing. Time to wake up and shake yourself off, make a schedule (or not), just let your fingers fly and see what you come up with. If nothing else, it will certainly clean out some clutter from your brain.

I think most people around me do not realise how much I have invested in this blog. It is an outlet for more than my thoughts on the books that I read, or jotting down random trains of thoughts that I sometimes come up with  – it’s a way of letting off steam, meeting new people, getting introduced to new ideas and generally feeling like a I am doing something. And now, of course, it is a way of letting my daughter know years down the line what her mother thought on a variety of subjects so she can learn from my mistakes and my triumphs. Maybe she will think of all of this as highly juvenile bits of fluff, but she will certainly laugh a lot. That should count for something at any rate.

It seems to me that I have said all this to myself before. Well, what can I say, I am an awful repeater, as my brothers constantly tell me.




2 thoughts on “Finding the ‘Me’ in Mommy

  1. I have missed you! When the spirit moves you and you feel like creating something new, you will. Raising a child takes lots of creative energy. That’s an honorable undertaking all by itself. Welcome back!

    Liked by 1 person

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